So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
