You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
