Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
