You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I checked into jail on foursquare
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize