What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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