Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Are my feet made of real feet?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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