Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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