From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
