Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
