shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
