I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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