If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize