well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
