we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
