Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
