I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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