Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
