Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
did you just send me my own nude
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
