Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Woke up backwards on a recliner
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
