My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
