he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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