got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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