so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
