I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
