I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
