Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
