Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
