Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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