Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
