I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
