i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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