I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
