He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
