Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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