I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
