Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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