I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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