I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
