I am midnight drunk by noon
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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