Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
