i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
