What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
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