you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I think I just sharted jello shots
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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