She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
