I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
