my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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