I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
