sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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