I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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