He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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