I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
