I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
