my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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