we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
