The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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