today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
