The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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