I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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