I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
