How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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