My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
