yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just googled if crying burns calories
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
