I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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