obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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