I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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